She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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