Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
