when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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