'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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