So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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