I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
