Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
