Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
