I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
