direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
