So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
