I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
