Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
