She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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