he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
