I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
