the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
