I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
