I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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