shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
