I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
