we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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