Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
