Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
