So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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