I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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