the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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