i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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