I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
