OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
