its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
