We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
