Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
