I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
