Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
