The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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