Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
