She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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