K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
