I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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