I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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