Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize