my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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