I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
