Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
