My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
