you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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