I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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