hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
