girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
